BE the Example.

Written in honor of my grandmother’s passing December 2nd, 2019

Sometimes people can’t teach you by example. They teach you to BE the example.
❤️
Yesterday morning, my paternal Grandmother died. We were estranged. For years she had protected an abuser in our household. It left our family fractured. For most of my childhood it was under a lacquer of denial. Eventually it all surfaced when I confronted the abuser and it triggered a chain reaction of exposure of abuse and neglect. This may sound horrible. I used to think it was horrible. It’s a natural reaction.
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I don’t see it that way anymore. I could have easily spent the rest of my life being angry at her. For protecting and covering up abuse. For being limited. For being broken. And where will it leave me? Reliving abuse. Feeling limited. Feeling broken.
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Now that I’m sober, that I’m actively trying to be present and happy, I have no interest in staying in the cycle of reliving abuse and suffering. I gave up alcohol. I am here. Now. So I roll Forgive over my liver to support my body in processing its emotional memory. I put Geranium over my heart to cultivate Love and Trust. I roll Rose on my temples to remind myself to think on Love. I Be MySelf.
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I see my Grandmother’s choices in her life as the only ones she could make given her limited tools and the thoughts she was thinking and believing. If I were thinking and believing what she did, I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same. I have no way of knowing. I didn’t live her life.
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I am living mine. And my Being has been expanded by my experiences. All of them. In order for me to continue the work of fully loving myself, it serves me. It allows me to have compassion for people who have had similar experiences. Chances are, my Grandmother was abused too.
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Most people who abuse or cover for abusers were abused themselves. It’s likely she lived as a scared little child on the inside. All the time. I know I did before I began to Wake Up. I have compassion for that little girl in her. I love her.
❤️
Sometimes people can’t teach you by example. They teach you to BE the example.
❤️

Goodbye to this form, Grammy. I love you. I know that you love yourself completely now too. And finally you can fully love all of us.